Sorry, but I want a divorce.

Did you say this, or hear it? Either way it’s terrible. It’s horrible to feel and say, and equally horrible to hear and receive. Let’s breakdown this communication and review what not to do. We have all heard the horror stories of how one spouse informed the other- unimaginable, nightmarish scenarios. Let’s avoid providing your spouse with another war story that will haunt you in the gossip circles.  

I will just tell my spouse in a public setting, so they won’t throw a tantrum, or make a scene. You may have good intentions, but I can assure you that being told life-changing news in a public forum, is not well received. It will not only NOT ensure they don’t throw a tantrum, but it could become even more incendiary given the lack of respect for your other spouse- forcing them to feel they must swallow their tears and feelings, trying to process the information with the waiter coming back to the table asking if she can get you anything else, is horrible for all parties.

So, what do you do? There is simply no bullet-proof solution to this. These are difficult conversations. But read the following tips so to

1.     Your children should be elsewhere during this conversation. Schedule them to sleepover with friends or family. You deserve space to process and work through this, and your children don’t deserve to hear this. They just don’t.

2.     Provide time and space for the receiving spouse to process your decision. Everyone processes information differently but offer space. State your decision clearly and directly. Offer them space and consider revisiting any further conversation on another day. Spend the night at a friend’s house. This supports the well being for both of you.  Give the gift of space to you and your spouse, as painful as it may feel.

3.     Please do this in person. Barring issues of domestic violence, please share your decision in person. This takes courage and illustrates you respect your spouse, despite your decision to divorce.

4.     I, I, I, I- statements only. As tempting as it can be to begin with, “You always do X,Y,Z and I can’t take it anymore.”, this isn’t productive. Try on for size, “I need to discuss with you a decision that I have made for myself. I can no longer remain in this marriage and believe we should begin the divorce process. I don’t want to get into all of the reasons, I just know that I need to this change and believe it’s best for both of us. This is a lot, I know. It’s best we take a breather so you and I may absorb this conversation and process it. I have made arrangements to spend the night with a trusted friend so you can have time to yourself. I am sorry.”. Great job! Now do as you said, excuse yourself and follow-through with your plan to be elsewhere with a trusted friend. Easier said than done? Yes, but start with the basics and with good intentions.

5.     Be safe. Take precautions if you are concerned about a violent or angry reaction. This can look like having a friend standing outside of an open door, etc. Share your truth, then leave. Keep your promise to provide them (and yourself!) with space.

This is far from easy and not for the faint of heart. Whether you are giving or receiving this difficult news, this is hard. Your support network will be key during this time.